Trigger Warning: Alcohol, Despair
Find support: NAMI
The Search
Where did I go, where was I for so long?
Was I somewhere that I didn’t belong?
I yearned for love and searched everywhere else
In others, in work, and even in sex
The love I experienced never felt real
Even when I allowed myself to feel
Inevitably it came with a price
I gladly paid for it, what’s one more vice
Temporary, hallow, never quite right
Barely there, planning my next flight
Escaping was always my prison of choice
Escaping my pain, my guilt, my voice
The search was not for love nor for me
I was avoiding both mercilessly
Living in a sea among lost souls I could pretend
Yet never feeling lonelier than with him in the end
One day that loneliness felt so deeply real
Something I was promised never to feel
I became tired in a way that I couldn’t fight
So achingly tired, of my own appetite
Sick of my search for another escape
Sick of the smiles I continued to fake
Sick of living with one more lie
Sick of ME with another guy
Sick of escaping as a way to live
Sick, sick, sick til nothing’s left to give
So sick in fact that life and I got sober
Consciously, undeniably sober
over and over and over and over
Far more sober than I knew it was possible to get
I got sober about my loss and all of my regret
I got sober about my choices, myself, my behavior
I got sober about my fears, especially of failure
I got sober about my guilt and deeply rooted shame
I got sober about how I’ve loved and who I really am
I got sober and was still, pure acceptance,
no more running
This is how I came to know kindness and truly loving
By grieving, feeling, and merely letting me be
This… is exactly…how I found me
-Rose D
The Conversation Peace 