The Search

Photo by Rose Diaz
Trigger Warning: Alcohol, Despair
Find support: NAMI

The Search

Where did I go, where was I for so long?
Was I somewhere that I didn’t belong?

I yearned for love and searched everywhere else
In others, in work, and even in sex

The love I experienced never felt real
Even when I allowed myself to feel

Inevitably it came with a price
I gladly paid for it, what’s one more vice

Temporary, hallow, never quite right
Barely there, planning my next flight

Escaping was always my prison of choice
Escaping my pain, my guilt, my voice

The search was not for love nor for me
I was avoiding both mercilessly

Living in a sea among lost souls I could pretend
Yet never feeling lonelier than with him in the end

One day that loneliness felt so deeply real
Something I was promised never to feel

I became tired in a way that I couldn’t fight
So achingly tired, of my own appetite

Sick of my search for another escape
Sick of the smiles I continued to fake

Sick of living with one more lie
Sick of ME with another guy

Sick of escaping as a way to live
Sick, sick, sick til nothing’s left to give

So sick in fact that life and I got sober
Consciously, undeniably sober
over and over and over and over

Far more sober than I knew it was possible to get
I got sober about my loss and all of my regret

I got sober about my choices, myself, my behavior
I got sober about my fears, especially of failure

I got sober about my guilt and deeply rooted shame
I got sober about how I’ve loved and who I really am

I got sober and was still, pure acceptance,
no more running

This is how I came to know kindness and truly loving
By grieving, feeling, and merely letting me be
This… is exactly…how I found me

-Rose D

Rose Diaz ~ Business & Life Coach The Conversation Peace Collective Spirit & Self Esteem Contributor

When we lose our true selves, we become disconnected. Running on autopilot, feeling stressed and overwhelmed, living a life filled with endless reactions, to others, events, chores, and schedules leads us to disconnection.

Published by The Conversation Peace Collective- Danielle Henson SD

Spiritual Direction, Meditation & Collaboration

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